The power to experience and believe

Posted by Jay-talking!

Its been some time now since it happened. But the sense of nostalgic deja vu that I experienced at that moment has still not left me. Obviously she had struggled a lot to get there. Fighting a despairing loss of self confidence, tremendous family pressure to get married, loss of peer confidence, emotional depression... et al, in short - against all wretched odds. One week before the exams were due to begin, she called me to express her fear at losing out again. Mentioned her total lack of preparation and loss of initiative to get going in life. What was more painful than the admission was that this came from a headstrong girl believed to have a strong character - but then again that was before the rigmarole of the CA exams began. Worse was to follow - just on the penultimate day before the exams were to start - she called me again and broke down lamenting her fate. She did not want to visit the exam center. She was worried about the exams and the invariable depressing results that will follow.

Also I was the only one she could turn to. Obviously parents get tensed up and may not react the way you want them to. So in typical characteristic style, I told her not to lose heart and to consider each day as a new start to life and to begin each moment anew. Words were the only thing I had to offer..not even a crying shoulder, she being in Bombay & I in Bangalore. Anyway, the exams came and went and Priya was totally tightlipped about how she fared. The night before D day, I got a SMS giving her roll number. She wanted me to check her results out on the net. She was too tensed up to try it out herself. She of course had not told Amma & Appa about the results. The tension gripped me too. I was also involved in this. When I checked out the results not in the least expecting her to pass and thinking of the appropriate words to offer on how to cope with failure, reality hit me. Priya had become a CA! I called her up and after several frustrating rings, she took the call with a tense voice. 'What's it?' Hey Priya, have you heard the news?''No..what's it?' A deliberate pause from my side. The pressure on the other end was almost ethereal. 'Priya...brace yourself now...congrats first...you are a CA'. An incredulous 'What? Are you sure (started choking)'. 'Yeah..yeah..its all here in front of me ...unless you have changed your name for the exams (my lame attempt at humour to appear cool & unaffected)'. And then she broke down. I promised to call her later. After half an hour, she was still crying. After 2 hours, she had still not recovered. Funny thing is I kept on calling her knowing exactly what she would be going through. The emotions were so palpable. What does it feel like to know you have come through against the toughest odds? What does it feel like when all the demons in your life seem to vanish in one magic moment? How does it feel to know that you have recovered, restored, regained Life and the zest for it. In the evening, she was still dazed.."Unbelievable, J...I still cannot believe it". I kept on calling her out of my own selfish motive to partake of the ecstasy that had engulfed her. That was it. I was proud of my sister.

Now coming back to the nub, in continuing with the message of the earlier post, language again bows down against Life and its flow. Otherwise how could you justify a single word called 'Ecstasy' for such a range of emotions and expect schoolkids to understand it. Experience it. You will then believe!!